


They Dont Know

by Tarttit_PLL



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Other, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 11:51:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4099924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarttit_PLL/pseuds/Tarttit_PLL
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua and Gon had gotten into an argument about a week ago and couldn't bring themselves to talk to each other. They both felt that the arguments were their faults and blamed it on themselves. Gon eventually has courage to speak to Killua but finds out that Killua has killed himself out of depression the day he wants to speak to Killua.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Dont Know

**Author's Note:**

> The story starts off as Killua's Diary entry that he had written a night prior to his death. Gon's Diary entry in Killua's Diary was written a few days after Killua's death.  
> I apologize in advance for this angst! Don't kill me! ;-;

k.z  
""You guys seem so happy!"  
We got that a lot in public. We laughed about things, joked about things, and always had each other's backs. But of course, that was just in public. As soon as we got home, we never said a word to each other. It's almost like we hated each other... That wasn't the case though.

Me and Gon were best friends. We never shared any kind of hate towards one another. The reason we were like this now was because of me. If it weren't for that day, everything would have still been the same. Every time I vividly remember that day is at night when I'm awake and Gon is sound asleep. Every time I remember that day, there's an unstoppable amount of tears that always find their way down my cheeks. I still remember Gon's helpless expression. An image of his frightened face is implanted in my mind and I hate it. I wish I could forget the sight of Gon's tears. I want to see his goofy smile during the day, not a worried expression every time he glanced my way.

I hate it.  
I hate myself for it.  
I wish I can set back time and change everything that happened that day.

I just want to have the old Gon back, but I can't. I ruined it for myself. I deserve this. I deserve every single thing that I'm feeling right now.

I wiped my eyes and looked over at the boy who was sound asleep. His back was turned to me as it has been everyday since that day. "I'm sorry, Gon..." I whispered quietly, wiping tears in the process.  
"Illumi was right," I started, staring up at the ceiling "I'm not meant to have friends.. I'll only betray them." I took a deep breath, turned my back to his, and silently cried into my pillow.

I'm only causing Gon pain. He probably hates me. I bet he does. I stopped him from trying to save Kite. He's always blamed himself for that... but it was me. Everything is my fault. I haven't seen a genuine smile from Gon in weeks and I'm honestly losing myself.

If it weren't for that day, I would have never been feeling like this. I wish I can disappear from the face of the Earth. Then maybe, just maybe, I won't have to remember the horrible stuff I did and said to Gon that day.

If only he knew how I really felt."  
•  
g.f  
""They're like two peas in a pod!"

We were.  
But, how do you smile at someone you live with in public, but never even speak to them at home?  
I don't know, but we mastered that technique. Ever since I drove Killua into lashing out at me, this house has never been the same.

It hasn't been the same because I'm such an idiot. Maybe if I just left him alone that day, we could still be having fun till this day. It wouldn't be so awkward for us.

I'm scared to start a conversation with him because I'm afraid I'll say the wrong things. No matter how bad I want to say something to him, I can't bring myself to do it. Especially at night when he thinks I'm asleep.

"I'm sorry, Gon.." I hear him cry out softly.  
No matter how bad I want to hold him and tell him that it isn't his fault, I can never bring myself to do it. I don't know why, but I need to do it quick. I want him to know that this isn't his fault.

"Illumi was right," he choked out softly, "I'm not meant to have friends.. I'll only betray them."  
Killua softly began to cry into his pillow while tears streamed down my face.

I closed my eyes and clenched my sheets, wishing that he could just realize that it isn't his fault. The tears streamed down my face until I grew tired and fell asleep.

If only he knew.."  
-  
"What are you reading Gon-nii?" Alluka questioned the silent boy in the corner of the room.  
"I-.."  
"Is that Nii-chan's diary again? You know you aren't supposed to be reading it. It isnt healthy for you!" Alluka grabbed the journal from Gon's hands and started to look through it. "Did you add your own entry?.." She asked, flipping through the pages, noticing handwriting different from her brothers'.  
"I-I'm sorry... I just... I miss him s-so mu-" Gon choked out. His eyes were red from days of nonstop crying. "I-if only I were there to s-stop him!" Killua's limp body in the tub flashed throughout Gon's mind. He could only blame himself for Killua's suicide.  
"G-gon-nii it isn't yo-"  
"Yes it IS, Alluka!" He shouted, his fists were balled so forcefully that his knuckled began to turn white. "You know it is!.." His lips quivered with every word he spoke.  
Alluka stared at Gon. The once cheerful boy, whose eyes always sparkled no matter what. Whose smile lit up everyone's day. Whose laugh could make you laugh no matter how upset you were. He was no longer that boy.  
He hadn't stepped foot in their bathroom since the day Killua left him. He hasn't slept in the room, nor did he eat the food, he hasn't done anything but cry since the day Killua left him.

Gon remembered exactly how that day happened. He remembered coming into the house with a bad of chocolates in his hand, wanting to apologize to his best friend for the argument they had a few weeks prior to that day.  
"Killua?" Gon yelled out as he stepped in the house. "I have something for you!" He smiled to himself, ready to see Killua's face light up at the sight of a bag full of goodies, but Killua never called out to him. "He must be sleeping..." He said to himself.  
Gon walked down the hall that led to their room and noticed the bathroom light on and the door cracked open slightly. Out of curiosity, he peeked through the crack and the sound of the faucet dripping filled the room. He pushed the door open slightly and saw the horrific sight of blood-stained tiles and rugs on the ground.  
"K-kil-"  
Gon slowly turned his attention to the bathtub which was filled with water and the bag of chocolates dropped from his hand.  
The sight of the overflowing bathwater, Killua's bloody arms and wet body lying in the tub caused Gon to shriek out in fear.  
"Killua! W-wake up!" He ran over to Killua, slipping in the process, and pulled his body out of the cold water, noticing his wrists were slit with deep cuts.  
"G-get up, Kil!" He cried out, shaking him and tapping his face. Gon pressed his ear against Killua's chest and heard no signs of his heart beating. He tried CPR, he tried electricity, he tried anything he could think of and yet, Killua didn't show any signs of life.  
Gon held Killua in his arms on the bathroom floor and rocked back and forth. Tears streamed down his cheek and he cried out violently. He screamed and yelled out of anger until he finally realized that his best friend was dead. Gon walked over to the house phone and went back to Killua's corpse, holding him tight and crying in the process.  
The distressed boy dialed a number and held the phone to his ear, staring at his friends' pale body in his arms.  
"Hello, what's you emergency?"  
"H-hi.." He started, "I-id like to report a s-suicide.."

He blamed Killua's death on himself. "If only I had talked to him sooner.." He would always say to himself. He blamed everything on himself since the day he saw Killua's limp body in the tub. Even before that. He blamed their petty argument on himself. The argument that caused them to be like this in the first place.

"G-gon-..nii, please get a hold of yourself!" Alluka cried out to the tanned boy.  
"Get a hold of myself?" He questioned. "You want me to get a hold of myself? To forget what I saw?" He spoke firmly.  
"I-I didn't say that! I-"  
"Alluka... those memories are forever plastered in my brain... Those sick images. That horrid day. Everything"  
"G-go-" Alluka choked out  
"I'm sorry, Alluka... H-he's gone because of me..."  
"P-please st-..op" She cried out to him, refusing to listen to him blame himself any longer.  
"I-I'm sorry, Alluka" Gon sighed, holding back some tears. "But soon, I'll also be joining Killua.."  
He smiled faintly.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry!


End file.
